Fifty Shades of Grey: A Blow-by-Blow (Parts 1-5)

I am not going to bore you with an intro about this book. Everyone and their grandmothers (literally and unfortunately) know what this E.L. James bestseller is about. Over the weekend, I decided to reread this piece of crap novel, since I tagged this as a DNF (did not finish) last year because of how sickeningly ridiculous the whole story was. This time around, I am going to finish this. And as I go along, I will lay out every reason as to why I think Christian Grey lovers and Anastasia Steele wannabes are crazy.

Chapter One

– Anastasia Steele / Ana. Could anyone be more Mary Sue-ish? Anastasia, really? Might as well tack on Princess to her name. And Steele is very reminiscent of Lexington Steele, the male porn star, whom I know because I watched Weeds. Naming the sweet and innocent character Anastasia Steele is equivalent to naming a baby Champagne and hoping she doesn’t twirl her ass around a pole for a living. Ana is clumsy (stumbled headfirst into Mr. Grey’s office on their first meeting), looks alright, awkward, and doesn’t draw attention to herself–how original. How Bella Swan.

– Katherine Kavanagh / Kate. Kavanagh. Oookay. Kate is described as a strawberry blonde with green eyes, “gamine and gorgeous” even while battling a flu. Most chick lit feature a best friend/roommate/female friend who is prettier than the main character. She is also “articulate, strong, persuasive, argumentative, beautiful” and Ana’s “dearest, dearest friend”. Her purpose is to make the lead more relatable. This is Kate’s role in the novel, I guarantee it. Girls are insecure by nature, and by providing Ana with Kate, we form a sense of camaraderie with Ana–we all feel pretty, but not overly gorgeous, and we have a best friend whom we idolize. And of course Kate has a Mercedes CLK while Ana has an old VW Beetle named Wanda. Of course.

– Since this series is based on Twilight fanfiction (Masters of the Universe), I am not surprised that it is set in Seattle.

– Christian Grey. Young and dashing businessman, with copper hair and bright grey eyes. Within minutes of meeting him, Ana has regarded him as a graceful Adonis, and a bit later, “so arrogant” and a “Control Freak” (RED FLAG #1!) with a “lack of humility”. From here on, every passage that mentions Mr. Grey is now filled with descriptions of his beauty. He cancels his meeting so he could continue his interview with Ana, a show of his professionalism…? Dedication to get in her pants? His sudden attraction to her? I sense a sour look from Edward Cullen, but hey, he should be proud–Christian was molded after him.

Chapter Two

– Clayton’s Hardware Store = Newton’s Olympic Outfitters. Yet another Twilight reference.

– Ana describes herself a curl-up-with-a-book-in-a-comfy-chair-by-the-fire kind of girl. Raise your hand if that resonates with you.

– Ana writes an essay on Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Perhaps this is a way of likening Tess to Ana–both lovely, womanly, and wide-eyed.

– Ana’s mom lives in Georgia just as Bella’s mom lives in Jacksonville. Both mothers are loved by their daughters, and both daughters are amused by their whimsical mothers.

– Jose is definitely Mike Newton. He is her first friend in WSU, just as Mike was Bella’s at Forks. And he harbors a crush on her despite her having nothing but platonic feelings for him. However, Ana seems asexual…until she meets Christian.


– We get it. Christian has long fingers. And I bet you Ana is going to mention long fingers again when it’s inside her. And he has beautifully manicured hands. Could he be more metro?

– She keeps referring to herself as Steele. Do any of you guys do that, too? In my head, I don’t chastise myself by my first or last name. But this is a book, so I guess whatever.

– If you Google “natural filament rope”, you will get Fifty Shades of Grey-related results.

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– Ana becomes a shaky, hyperventilating, static cling-y mess when assisting Christian with his bondage purchases. They are both quite professional, as you can see.

– Ana likes books, especially “the usual…classics…British literature, mainly”. I rolled my eyes at this one.

– Christian is exuding jealousy when Ana talks to Paul, her old acquaintance and brother of her employer. Control Freak.

 Chapter Three

– Kate bullies Jose to do the shoot, and her exceptional beauty makes the marketing executive at Heathman “putty in her hands”. Meanwhile, Ana is a breathless wreck as she phones Christian for the shoot. Kate dominates the photoshoot prep, and here we get this passage:

Yes, Mistress. She is so domineering. I roll my eyes, but do as I’m told.

Way to go, foreshadowing. We have a submissive on our hands.

– Jose is scowling when Christian asks Ana to walk with him. Seems like every guy in this book wants a piece of that Steele ass. Meanwhile, Ana is oblivious to the silent competition between the males around her.

– Christian holds Ana’s hand while they ride the elevator and doesn’t let go until they arrive at the coffee house four blocks away. Ana is reduced to a giddy teenager at this point, and that’s saying something consider her reactions during their first two meetings.

– She is watching him like a hawk, notice his “long, graceful fingers” and the way his pants hang from his hips. Perhaps Ana should invest in a mop so she can attend to her snail trail.

Ana’s inner thoughts around Christian

– Christian is asking Ana if the men she has introduced him to (Jose and Paul) are her boyfriends and notes that she seems “nervous around men” and is “self-contained”. Ana thinks it is ridiculous that he thinks she is self-contained, and I feel like her thoughts (“Me, self-contained? No Way.“) sounded sarcastic.

– Ana refers to her mother as harebrained, just as Bella refers to her mother as loving, erratic, and hare-brained.

– Aaaand cue the moment where the girl almost gets into an accident but the guy saves her and now she’s pressed up against him. Totally unexpected.

Chapter Four

– Ana just got rescued from being run over by a cyclist and is silently hoping Christian will kiss her. Instead, he says, “Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you.” GORL HOL UP. This is where my suspension of disbelief is suspended. There is no way in real life this kind of thing is spoken to anyone you just barely know. Nope. #NOPE.

– She is devastated, crying, and mourning the rejection.

Control your shit, Miss Steele. You barely know the guy.

I understand if she is embarrassed, but to mourn over it? Apparently she has never been rejected. She describes herself as “too pale, too skinny, too scruffy, uncoordinated”. This is why she had always rebuffed admirers; ergo, not knowing what rejection feels like if you’re the rejected. Mmkay.

– The Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition is unnecessary and redundant. All girls are inquisitive. Kate is no different.

– Ana is such a good girl that at twenty-one years old, she admits that she has never been drunk.

– Ana receives a parcel with no return address or name. Christian Grey, predictably. It contains very expensive first edition copies of Tess of the D’Urbervilles. *rolls eyes* The card on the parcel is of a passage in the book, which is pretty much a warning for her to stay away from him. For someone who wants to be left alone, he sure is sending mixed signals. It’s like when you tell a friend not to look behind them, knowing full well they are going to turn their head anyway. The quote is something Tess said to her mother after Alec had his wicked way with her. Ana doesn’t feel like accepting the gift, so she says she will “send them back with an equally baffling quote from some obscure part of the book”. I cannot contain my laughter at this point.

– They getting white girl wasted with their fellow soon to be graduates. Ana describes Kate as a stunning, sexy drunk mess who is probably going to get date raped by Levi. Ana has taken on the personality of Taylor Swift and thinks she is “more of a Converse and t-shirt kind of girl”. Are you sitting on the bleachers instead of shaking your pom-poms, too, Ana?


– Ana drunk calls Christian (I’ve been there, I get it). But I’m not impressed by Christian’s reaction. He freaks out immediately and decides that he is going to pick her up despite not knowing which bar in Portland she is in. But since he can throw down over $14,000 in first edition books, I’m sure he has enough money to commission some sort of Batman-like call tracking device. We’ll see how this goes.

– Jose is an opportunistic sleazebag for preying on a drunk girl. Also drops random Spanish words, as if his name (Jose Luis Rodriguez, Jr.) isn’t enough to prove he is Latino.

– Christian Grey appears at the bar just as Jose is trailing kisses down Ana’s face. Did he teleport or what? And yes, only Christian Grey would have a “monogrammed, freshly laundered, linen handkerchief”. CTG.


“How did you find me?”

“I tracked your cell phone Anastasia.”

Pun that. Also, CREEPER.

– Almost immediately, Ana thinks if it’s legal what he did. Stalker (RED FLAG #2!) is what her subconscious whispers at her…”but somehow, because it’s him, I don’t mind.” WHAT THE FUCK? Stalkers are not fun, and no matter how good looking or rich your stalker is, there is always a probability that you are going to end up in a ditch, naked and chopped up.

Chapter Five

– If I may remind you, I FUCKING CALLED IT.

“You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond stuff you’re developing for the highest bidder.”

Because, Mr. Grey, that kind of behavior is obsessive and downright creepy.

– Christian referred to himself as a “dark knight”. See my Batman point from Chapter 4. Mr. Grey has a penchant for acting like a Mr. Bruce Wayne.

– Uhh…

“You’re lucky I’m just scolding you…. If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.”

– This is the second time Ana has brought up her dysfunctional medulla oblongata. She should get that checked out. Forgetting how to breathe is fatal.

– According to Ana:

One minute he rebuffs me, the next we sends me fourteen-thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker. And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger. He’s not a dark night at all, but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor–a classic romantic hero–Sir Gawain or Lancelot.

I want to smack this girl with a copy of her precious British literature. She is clearly blinded. Or at best wearing rose-colored glasses. She is spot on when she regards him as a stalker, but this thought is negated because he had swept her off her feet light a knight in shining armor. And my friends, a knight in shining armor is the wrong knight to crave.

But I digress.

– I couldn’t help but chuckle at this:

For the first time in my life, I want to go to bed with a man.

Poor girl hasn’t heard of steamy hot sex against a wall…or in the shower. She wants to go to bed…and maybe nap? Loljk

– And this:

He said he likes his women sentient. He’s probably not celibate then.

I admit, when I was in my teens, I thought everyone tried their best to save sex until after marriage. Boy, was I wrong. But I was a teenager. Ana is twenty-one. There are no excuses.

– She is imagining Christian rubbing his “long fingered hands” between her thighs. WE KNOW HE HAS LONG FINGERS!

– She wrapped the towel Carmel Miranda style on her head…so this?


– Christian ordered a selection from the breakfast menu since he didn’t know what she liked, and responds with, “That’s very profligate of you.” What? Who the hell says that? Just say “You shouldn’t have” or “You went overboard” like everyone else. (I Googled the word. It means extravagant. That said, he spent $14k on books for her. I highly doubt the entire breakfast menu of Heathman will put a dent on his bank account.

– I laughed out loud and felt mortified at the same time:

“Well, when you were nearly run over by the cyclist–and I was holding you and you were looking up at me–all kiss me, kiss me, Christian…”


– And then he went the Edward Cullen route:

“You should steer clear from me…. There’s something about you, though, and I’m finding it impossible to stay away.”

Does her blood sing to you, too?

– Holy shit, she actually asked him if he’s celibate. Lawd Jeezas, enlighten her! She can’t believe she said that out loud, too.

– She just formed the Christian Grey Inquisition.

– Okay you got me there:

“I’d like to bite that lip,” he whispers darkly.

But only because I love lip biting. Ana has become a “quivering, moist mess” and he hasn’t even touched her.

– Christian uses a BlackBerry. Oh, I’m sorry. Are we in 2005? (At least it’s not an iPhone.)

– Charlie Tango is obviously part of the phonetic alphabet. Come on, Ana. You can’t be that daft and think it’s a person.

– Ana learns that they slept on the same bed last night, but he says it was a novelty for him to sleep with someone. She then wonders if he’s never slept with anyone or if he’s a virgin. I’m just going to leave that there. You think about it.

– She spots his toothbrush in the bathroom. This is her thought process:

It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm… Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.



I loved all my boyfriends. I’ve shaved parts of them that frankly, shouldn’t be shaved by anyone other than themselves. But I draw the line at shaving. I would never think of using the same toothbrush. we can swap spit when we’re making out, but I will not use his mouth cleaning tool on my mouth. This is not Ted, Marshall, and Lily’s apartment!

– They make out in the elevator. He notices she has brushed her teeth, so she confesses that she used his toothbrush. He is amused, which makes me think these two disgustingly unhygienic dolts are meant to be.